She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
