we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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