In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize