Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
