if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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