I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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