3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
