are you still at the devil's house?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
