yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
honey bunches of taint.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
