my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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