some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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