the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize