Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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