Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
