Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
