When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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