I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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