I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
