I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
