Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
