Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
