i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
