Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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