I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
