I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
