Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
