If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You need a sexual gate keeper
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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