I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
