just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize