I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
