Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
