i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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