Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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