dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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