Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
