totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
