whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
