Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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