i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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