Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
