You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
