Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This baby is an asshole
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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