why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
