A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's blow job season.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
