After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
