Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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