Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
