First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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