Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
