I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
