I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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