I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
