You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
