I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
