I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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