New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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