you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
