Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
