I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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