Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
