drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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