Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Houston, we have a squirter
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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