Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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