Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
