just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize