I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Acid is not a monday night drug
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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