yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
