Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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